


I Kissed A Girl

by sharedwithyou



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Down with Misogyny, F/F, F/M, Mild Angst, Mindfuck, Random Lesbian Moment, Sam finally gets some love, Sexual Humor, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-09-02 14:30:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8671135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharedwithyou/pseuds/sharedwithyou
Summary: not inspired by the song *snickers*“I’m just saying, it would be hot.”“Ahem.” Was Steve’s thorough response as he puttered around the kitchen in an apron. Yes, cooking was manly.“I mean, you’ve thought about it right? Like, every man In the history of manhood has imagined it.”“Pass the butter.”“I mean you’ve seen 2 girls 1 cup-““THE BUTTER.” Steve practically squawked, so Sam handed him the Land O’ Lakes with a cheeky grin.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Pharm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pharm/gifts).



> dedicated to Pharm, the Steve to my Bucky
> 
> because she loves her some Sam. and i haven't ever written anything Sam. well, not sam wilson. 
> 
> The Falcon gets some love. Sort of.
> 
> After all it is still me.
> 
> Slightly inspired by Anthony Mackie's hilarious Lip Sync Battle version of I Kissed A Girl
> 
> But kind of angrily angsty/annoying because that's how i am
> 
> leave me a comment if you liked!!
> 
>  
> 
> XOXO Bucky the Mindfucker

 

“I’m just saying, it would be hot.”

“Ahem.” Was Steve’s thorough response as he puttered around the kitchen in an apron. Yes, cooking was manly.

“I mean, you’ve thought about it right? Like, every man In the history of manhood has imagined it.”

“Pass the butter.”

“I mean you’ve seen 2 girls 1 cup-“

“THE BUTTER.” Steve practically squawked, so Sam handed him the Land O’ Lakes with a cheeky grin.

“So just like that, but with 2 spies. Really hot.”

“Can we just change the subject?!”

“Katy Perry: Avengers Style.” Apparently this kid was not gonna just drop it.

 

 

“Samuel Thomas Wilson, you’re a dead man.”

 

“Oh shit.”

 

 

“So when you gonna learn not to gossip about Clint’s 2 best friends?”

“Shut up and give me my beer.”

“I mean, they hang out with Hawk. They probably spend half of their lifetime in the vents.”

“(Y/n) said she didn’t like it up there because it was dusty.”

“In which case it would be just Nat who overheard, which would make it much, much worse.”

“How?!”

“Can you imagine if (y/n) heard your little fantasy sequence secondhand? From Natasha Balls-In-Vice-Grip Romanov?!”

“…no.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“Somebody’s in trouble!” Clint sang as he skipped into the room to join Tony in giving Sam a hard time.

“Stuff it, Clint. It’s your fault she hangs out in the vents.”

“You know, in a relationship built on trust and communication, one should be able to share their sexual deviancy with their partners.” Clint mock-lectured.

“I don’t think it’s sexually deviant to want to watch you and your best friends’ girls make out.”

“Tony, you don’t think anything is sexually deviant.”

“Nah, man. Furries. Those guys creep the hell out of me.”

“So, is Steve in the dog house too?” Clint asked off-handedly.

“I doubt it. In fact, he’s probably being the perfect gentleman and listening to Tasha rant about men’s misogyny. Which will lead to him getting laid. What a dink.” Sam griped.

“Well if (Y/n) gives you the cold shoulder tonight, you still have your hand-

 

“Remind me again why I’m the one she’s mad at?!?!”

 

 

“Men are pigs.”

“On the contrary. Men are men. Boys are pigs.”

“Well, I guess you’re alright.”

Thor patted your knee comfortingly before owning your Mii at Wii Boxing. “Best 5 out of 9?” Since you’d already lost 2 out of 3 and 3 out of 5.

“No thanks. I think I’d rather beat up some guys than get beat up by guys.”

“I’d offer actual sparring instead of this virtual nonsense, but I’m afraid you might lose on that one too.” He teased.

“Where’s your brother when you need him?!”

“He may look wiry, but Loki’s quite formidable in his own right.”

“Not for that, lughead.”

“Save the names for your beau, darling.”

So you marched off to form a master plan, as Thor picked up your controller and proceeded to play against himself.

 

It was better than playing with himself, you supposed.

 

 

“Oh, Sammy.”

Sam, Clint and Tony cringed in unison as your voice came on sugary-sweet over the intercom.

“…yes, dear?”

“Meet me in the bedroom?”

“Oh, score!” He turned to high-five Clint and Tony, who raised their glasses in lieu of their palms. They knew Sam was in for it, the poor naïve bastard.

“I have a surprise for you.”

“On my way up, (y/n)!”

 

 

The room was dimly lit when Sam stepped in. “Babe?”

“Over here.”

He turned and saw you lounging on the bed in the nightgown he gave you, instead of your usual fuzzy cow-print pajamas. A satisfied smirk crossed his face.

“I thought about it, and…I guess you’re right.”

“Of course I am.” He blustered, not knowing what you were talking about.

“You know. About Nat and me.”

He felt his face flush and he looked away. “It’s not- I didn’t mean-“

“It’s okay. She agreed. That we’d try…just this once.”

“You-HUH?!” He gaped at you as another figure stepped out of the shadows and joined you in bed.

“I mean… this is what you want, right?”

“(Y/n), I was just playing.” He spoke uncomfortably as the two of you started cuddling in a less-than-sisterly way.

“And yet here I am. Weak to your whims and desires.” She stroked your hair as you looked at him, your lips still parted after the words left them.

“I…” He stared at you speechless, as Nat played with the bow tying the back of your nightgown together.

“Tonight’s your lucky night, Sam.”

 

 

“Whatever you want, it’s yours.”

 

 

He swallowed thickly as you stretched your neck to reach hers.

“(Y/n) I know you’re not comfortable with this…” He stuttered out.

“I don’t know…maybe you were right. Just one kiss couldn’t hurt, right?”

At this, she leaned in, millimeters away from you, as you let out a long sigh.

 

“(Y/n), don’t.”

 

She froze and you paused, turning your head to look at him curiously.

“I know you’re only doing this for me. And… I don’t want you to, er, do things… you know. Just to please me.”

“But I thought that’s what you wanted.” You responded with a pout.

He shook his head adamantly. “I’d rather we do something we both like. Not that I don’t, hrm, appreciate this. And thank you, Natasha, for your willingness to…ah-“

You burst out laughing as you poked the still-frozen Nat and she shattered into a million pieces, before disappearing.

“What the fuck?!”

 

“Hologram, you idiot.”

 

There was a huge guffaw over the intercom, followed by intermittent cursing from an angry Nat and comforting words from a worried Steve.

“Tony is a dead man.”

“Whatever. It was my idea, not his.”

“Well, what if I wasn’t in the mood to be tested?!” Sam asked indignantly.

“Well, then you’d be saying a tearful goodbye to your balls, wouldn’t you?”

He sucked in his breath and took two steps back, trying not to look terrified.

“Anyway, since you’re not as much as a dickish perv as I thought, I won’t make you sleep on the couch.”

“Well that’s fair.”

“Yep. You’re gonna sleep on the floor right here next to me. While I sleep on this soft, luxurious bed in this sexy little number you gave me.”

“…goddamnit.”

 

Still, he caught the pillow and blankets you threw at his face, and made a mini-sleeping bag on the ground.

“You know I’ll always rather be the one you kiss, right babe? No matter how hot the other girl is.”

“Shut up and go to sleep.”

“Cap and I were just talking shit, that’s all.”

“As I recall, you were talking shit, and ‘Cap’ was being a gentleman like a good boyfriend would be.”

“…I’m not getting laid for a while, am I?”

“Not even close.”

“In that case-“

“Don’t even try the spider-bite trick. You’re not allowed to masturbate in this room.”

“I wasn’t-“

“I want you to have blue balls forever.”

“…I was just gonna say, ‘In that case, I’ll just say I love you and goodnight.’”

 

“…fine. Good night.”

 

“And you love me too?”

“Don’t push it, Sam.”

**Author's Note:**

> MUAHAHAHAHAHA
> 
> leave me some love below!!
> 
> random ramblings:  
> quick poll 1: do you love the falcon?!?  
> i am actually not a big fan... but i do love Pharm so this is for her
> 
>  
> 
> okay so i never knew what 2 girls 1 cup was so i just assumed it was something lesbian fetish-y and i just looked it up (the explanation not the video) and my god i'm grossed out. for some reason i just assumed it was 2 girls eating ice cream in a sexualized manner... so if you don't know what it is good for you and don't look it up unless you want to be grossed out... or if you're into weird stuff in which case no judgement but i won't b e writing anything about that ever
> 
>  
> 
> quick poll 2: how mad would you be if your guy asked you to make out with a girl for him
> 
> i actually have had friends' boyfriends ask them for threesomes... yeah that didn't work out either time... both guys ended up cheating on their respective girlfriends anyway so... i don't have the most positive thought process in that department  
> although obviously guys fantasizing about their s/o getting it on with someone else for their own pleasure doesn't automatically equal cheating/wanting to be with someone else.. but still. meh.
> 
> anyway sam learns his lesson (and steps up) in this one so we're all good.
> 
> fyi the whole nat/lovely thing was an elaborate tricky plan with a hologram... i didn't feel like getting the real nat involved. hence the loki mention~ he could either make a clone or be the clone...  
> but since this is for pharm i figured we'd leave the implied loki/reader out and just make a regular mindfuck
> 
> quick poll 3: favorite part?!  
> mine is either wii boxing with thor or at the end when Sam's like damnit just let me say i love you gosh
> 
> okey there's my first ever sam wilson fic~ hope you all enjoyed!
> 
> XOXO Bucky


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